There was a thread on the OG a couple years ago where people shared embarassing stories about taking massive shits. Someone had them saved and reposted them.
I put two of them below (and I broke them into paragraphs to make it a bit easier to read), but there's a whole bunch more on the link.
I was on a FIRST date with this young lady, and my two friends and I decided to do a night on the town in NYC, and then have dinner across the river at Ruth's Chris Steak House. The day went wonderfully, as I was charming the pants off this little vixen, but who was to know the absolute horror she was going to witness later. We get to the restaurant, and order the best steak and lobster meals...complete with gobs of garlic butter and protein rich steak, which is basically jet fuel for my projectile mudthrowing colon. After a great evening, it's time for the long drive home. I don't even think about the bathroom before we leave, and before you know it, we are in the middle of the NJ Turnpike (in my friend's brand new expedition), which is SIX lanes. The pains this time hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was in panic mode almost immediately. What made it worse was that we were nowhere near a rest stop. The cold sweats were in full bloom, and before I could think of a plan, I just blurted out, "Chris pull over now!" All I was thinking was how I was going to get this brown mosaic pattern off my friend's car seat... Everyone looked at me, and I just had a wild look on my face... I was no longer in control... my ass had taken over my entire being and it screamed at my friend with a vengeance "PULL OVER NOW OR I WILL SHIT ALL OVER YOUR EXPEDITION!"
I didn't even notice that my date had inched away from me, and was staring nervously out the window. Now, there was nowhere for us to go because we were in the left hand section of three lanes that was divided by a guard rail, but my friend pulled over against that guard rail, and in front of god, my date, and my buddies who were laughing their asses off, I dropped trou right in the middle of the Jersey Turnpike. What came out of my ass at that point is beyond words, but I'll try. Imagine putting three guinea pigs in a blender with some hershey's syrup, turn it on for thirty seconds, and then throwing the contents on a linoleum floor. Add stench, and that was my ass that night. I was experiencing such euphoria about releasing the devil from within, that I didn't notice until a couple minutes had passed that everyone in the expedition was staring at me in disgust. It was like a bad car accident, because they knew they shouldn't be watching, but they just couldn't tear themselves away.
The funny thing was, I didn't even care. I was just glad to have my ass back! I ended up wiping my ass with some envelopes my buddy had, and I was just about to pull up my britches, when a NJ State police car pulled up with its lights on! I looked at my buddies, and with my pants still around my ankles, I said "don't worry, I'll explain everything..." Well, this cop put his spotlight on the scene, and honest to god, he just shook his head and took off! I then pulled everything up, and got in the car. By the way, that vixen I went out with that night is now my wife!!!!!!!!!
I was dating this very hot girl, and she was very italian. She invited me over to meet her family and have a nice italian dinner. Very spicy... anyway, we eat, laugh, the chic is digging me, her family's digging me, I'm on a roll with some jokes, life is good. We go into the den to watch a movie (her mom, dad, sister and her), and 20 minutes into the movie, my stomach started percolating like a Mr. Coffe machine. It was telling me, "dude..it's time". I excuse myself to use the bathroom which was right next to the den. In fact, the one wall of the bathroom was the same wall of the den where her parents were sitting on the couch! They PAUSE the movie (I insisted that they keep the movie going, I would only be a second, but they said don't worry about it.. we'll wait for you..) so there is dead silence, and I enter the bathroom to find NO FAN (which muffles some of the sound).
At this point, I'm desperate, so I drop them, and try to squeeze it out nice and slow... big mistake... that must have built up the pressure so bad, that the brown juice sprayed up the back of the toilet like a gooddamn picasso painting, and my ass sounded like the tuba section of the high school marching band. Needless to say, I was contemplating suicide at that moment. After ten minutes of this horrific noise and violence, I emerged from the bathroom with a sweaty sheen over my face like i just ran a marathon. I tried to just come in and sit down like nothing happened, but the girl asks "are you alright?" And to top it off, the dad, (a big paisan) yells "Jesus Christ you stink!" I wanted to die...