On the last departmental picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink each person.


I was fired for ordering the cups.

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r108/axeman7558/ShowLetter1.jpg

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?










































Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What is a Yankee?




































The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

Why is divorce so expensive?








































Because it's worth it.

Whats the worst thing about shagging a bald cunt?






















... putting the nappy back on.




Ugh. Sorry i know thats sick

Whats the worst thing about shagging a bald cunt?






















... putting the nappy back on.






Ugh. Sorry i know thats sick


thats just plain WRONG dude.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?





































They named him "Sum Ting Wong

LMAO

Whats the diffrence between a french women and a basketball team?



























The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Two Oranges walk into a pub, one says to the other "Your round". The other orange replies..."so are you, you fat cunt"

A Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when! The revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the
couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you
going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to
get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Sister Margaret

Sister Margaret had been a Nun all her life. Then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret; not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter. "You never learned right from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."

"Good!" replied the old Saint. "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter... I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him, afterward, call me."

Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:



"Yo, Pete, It's Peggy... I've got a lot to learn... It's gonna be a while!"

WAL-MART APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

! REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A! CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

How many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
100... 1 to do it, and 99 to say they did it first

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?







Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

How do u kill 100 flys in one hit?

Slap an ephiophian on the head

Dumb crook news:

A thief in Forsyth, Georgia heaved a brick through the window of a clothing store and grabbed $600 worth of designer shirts. What Mr. Smash-And-Grab apparently didn't know was that the store was two doors down from a law enforcement supply store, where a group of off-duty cops were finishing a hand-to-hand combat class. They were on the scene in seconds. As the suspect screamed "let go of me!" a pair of cops held him down while another officer returned to the store and brought back a pair of handcuffs. Said one officer: "I think I would have picked a better place to break in than next door to a jujitsu training class." After confessing to the robbery -- which was also captured on video -- the suspect turned to one of the officers and said "Damn, that was stupid."

A Miami man tried to rob a delicatessen, but was thwarted by the owner, who hit him with a giant salami and broke his nose. The hapless robber fled the deli and hid in the trunk of a nearby car, which turned out to belong to a police undercover team. The man was arrested five days later when officers heard whimpering sounds coming from the car's trunk.

So this guy has an IQ of 200. Highest IQ ever recorded. The dude is so intelligent that he has a hard time communicating with other people. His relationships have always falterd and he has been a social outcast for most of his life.

One day while perusing the newspaper, he came across an advertisment for an "IQ Enhancer/Reducer Machine" created by a Dr. Fletcher- he could not believe it. He immediately called the phone number. Dr. Fletcher told him to come to the office immediately...

So the good Dr. hooks the guy up to the IQ machine and they both agree to take his IQ down to about 160. He will still be a genius, but not so smart that he can't function.

As soon as the Dr. pushed the "go" button on his IQ machine, the phone rang. He answered and on the other line was his wife yapping on and on and on and on. What are we going to do for dinner? What's on TV? Did you fix the bathroom sink? For 10 minuets the woman went on (as most do) until the Dr. realized he had a patient hooked up to the IQ machine. The Dr. threw the phone down, ran to the machine and unhooked the guy...

At first glance, the guy looked dead. He has a far away look in his eyes, and he was drooling. He didn't move. The IQ readout on the machine read, "63". This guy went from having the highest IQ in the world, to the lowest IQ in the world. The Dr. gave him smelling salts and threw water on him and begged for any semblence of consciousness. "Please, please, please say anything,,,", the Dr. pleaded.

A few seconds they guy slowly looked up at the doctor and said... "Uh, Go Buckeyes."

So this guy has an IQ of 200. Highest IQ ever recorded. The dude is so intelligent that he has a hard time communicating with other people. His relationships have always falterd and he has been a social outcast for most of his life.

One day while perusing the newspaper, he came across an advertisment for an "IQ Enhancer/Reducer Machine" created by a Dr. Fletcher- he could not believe it. He immediately called the phone number. Dr. Fletcher told him to come to the office immediately...

So the good Dr. hooks the guy up to the IQ machine and they both agree to take his IQ down to about 160. He will still be a genius, but not so smart that he can't function.

As soon as the Dr. pushed the "go" button on his IQ machine, the phone rang. He answered and on the other line was his wife yapping on and on and on and on. What are we going to do for dinner? What's on TV? Did you fix the bathroom sink? For 10 minuets the woman went on (as most do) until the Dr. realized he had a patient hooked up to the IQ machine. The Dr. threw the phone down, ran to the machine and unhooked the guy...

At first glance, the guy looked dead. He has a far away look in his eyes, and he was drooling. He didn't move. The IQ readout on the machine read, "63". This guy went from having the highest IQ in the world, to the lowest IQ in the world. The Dr. gave him smelling salts and threw water on him and begged for any semblence of consciousness. "Please, please, please say anything,,,", the Dr. pleaded.

A few seconds they guy slowly looked up at the doctor and said... "Uh, Go Buckeyes."


repped

So this guy has an IQ of 200. Highest IQ ever recorded. The dude is so intelligent that he has a hard time communicating with other people. His relationships have always falterd and he has been a social outcast for most of his life.

One day while perusing the newspaper, he came across an advertisment for an "IQ Enhancer/Reducer Machine" created by a Dr. Fletcher- he could not believe it. He immediately called the phone number. Dr. Fletcher told him to come to the office immediately...

So the good Dr. hooks the guy up to the IQ machine and they both agree to take his IQ down to about 160. He will still be a genius, but not so smart that he can't function.

As soon as the Dr. pushed the "go" button on his IQ machine, the phone rang. He answered and on the other line was his wife yapping on and on and on and on. What are we going to do for dinner? What's on TV? Did you fix the bathroom sink? For 10 minuets the woman went on (as most do) until the Dr. realized he had a patient hooked up to the IQ machine. The Dr. threw the phone down, ran to the machine and unhooked the guy...

At first glance, the guy looked dead. He has a far away look in his eyes, and he was drooling. He didn't move. The IQ readout on the machine read, "63". This guy went from having the highest IQ in the world, to the lowest IQ in the world. The Dr. gave him smelling salts and threw water on him and begged for any semblence of consciousness. "Please, please, please say anything,,,", the Dr. pleaded.

A few seconds they guy slowly looked up at the doctor and said... "Uh, Go Buckeyes."

i owe you rep for this one, i am bone dry right now.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

what do you call a cross-dressing priest?






























a transistor.

Designated Drunk

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Alcohol Honesty

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

lol i love those

;357610']Alcohol Honesty

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."


That's a good one...

repped

repped

you might be a pot head if


1 you wear sun glasses at night so you can see better
2 you have acctually put out a fire with bong water
3 the term "hydro" does not mean water
4 you have an usual parking space outside your local head shop
5 you have a name for your 3 bongs 2 pipes one of which was made by you
6 you know your measurements from grams to ounces by heart
7 your best friends are your dealer and your roller
8 you sell your car for gas money
9 after reading this list you have done most if not all
10 if you respect 4:20 to a religious value
11 if you sue your employer for not getting holiday pay on april 20th
12 if glass blowing was your minor and herbology was your major.....please e-mail me we need to chat

What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste!!!

What is the difference between a nun in church and a hooker in the bathtub?









































The nun has hope in her soul.




(if you don't get it, try it out loud)

smoking weed is fun to do
i bet one day you’ll do it too
a bong a blunt maybe even a joint
they all get you high, get my point
so with one single puff,as you take it all in
this is where the fun begins
i may be as high,as high as the sun
but who gives a fuck its not hurtting no one
some say its bad, like all other drugs
but you’ll say fuck it once you look at these buds
with these few last words i tell you my friend
light that blunt up and let the fun begin

;359631']smoking weed is fun to do
i bet one day you’ll do it too
a bong a blunt maybe even a joint
they all get you high, get my point
so with one single puff,as you take it all in
this is where the fun begins
i may be as high,as high as the sun
but who gives a fuck its not hurtting no one
some say its bad, like all other drugs
but you’ll say fuck it once you look at these buds
with these few last words i tell you my friend
light that blunt up and let the fun begin

I am smoking a bowl right now, but I fear I am not as hard core as you Axey.

How is the work situation going man?

I am smoking a bowl right now, but I fear I am not as hard core as you Axey.

How is the work situation going man?

slow right now..... but looking to get some shortly. gonna be moving to Knoxville in a few months....lots of work there. i will be running a drywalling crew. $20-$25 an hr starting out. ( with my experience). thanks for asking Bro.

I am smoking a bowl right now, but I fear I am not as hard core as you Axey.

How is the work situation going man?


when i meet ya in columbus we shall see if ya can keep up, unless ya got to much going on with the Arnolds, then i would just have to make an excuse to go to Pittsburgh.

;359677']when i meet ya in columbus we shall see if ya can keep up, unless ya got to much going on with the Arnolds, then i would just have to make an excuse to go to Pittsburgh.

You're on! I will not be fighting. I have a torn anterior horn of my left meniscus (knee) and am on the competition shelf for now.

Are you looking forward to the move to Knoxville? Have you been there before?

sorry about the knee Bro, i had no idea. yes i am looking forward to the move to Knoxville, not only for the money, i heard it was beautiful down there, and no i have never been there this will all be new to me. i think that is why i cant wait. one more thing.... i am a mountain biker and there is many mountains for me to conquer.

;359857']sorry about the knee Bro, i had no idea. yes i am looking forward to the move to Knoxville, not only for the money, i heard it was beautiful down there, and no i have never been there this will all be new to me. i think that is why i cant wait. one more thing.... i am a mountain biker and there is many mountains for me to conquer.

Don't worry about the knee man, shit happens. I'll get it fixed up, take a couple of months off, and then be back stronger than ever. Glad you are psyched for the change - it sounds like it will be a good move for you.

Don't worry about the knee man, shit happens. I'll get it fixed up, take a couple of months off, and then be back stronger than ever. Glad you are psyched for the change - it sounds like it will be a good move for you.


i am taking my daughter down there in a few weeks (Elem. spring break) to give it a check out... make sure everything is on the up and up. i will have my daughter every summer so i want her to check out her summer home. my friend down there that got me the job said that the work is guaranteed there till 2009. i cant wait Bro to get out of Toledo.... even though it is my home and i will prolly miss it but fuck i need change.

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

;359992']One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

I've seen this one made into a video so I'll try and find it

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

You are the anti-Rd when it comes to posting, Axey.

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i7/moostapla/wack.jpg

How do you know policemen are strong?






Because they can hold up traffic.

^^^ get the fuck out my thread

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

You are the anti-Rd when it comes to posting, Axey.


anti-rd ???

One noted chef was a perfectionist. He made the most delectable meals because he expected nothing less. Thus it came as a surprise to one of his students that the chef used low grade spices. "Why do you use the worst spices when you expect the best?" the student asked him one day. "Wouldn't your foods taste so much better if you used premium-grade spices?"

"I once thought as you do," the chef answered. "When I was learning, I bought all the best spices -- they were fresh and perfectly ground, no flaws whatsoever. But taken with their own perfection, they were unruly spices, constantly fighting each other to be the dominant taste instead of working together. So I tried lower grade spices -- they weren't so perfect, but they weren't so intractable either. And so it is well to remember, my dear pupil, that a glitch in thyme behaves fine."

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://embed.break.com/OTUzOTY="></param><embed src="http://embed.break.com/OTUzOTY=" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

The joke that I said was made into a video

What is a pig's favorite superhero?
The Oinkredible Hulk.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.

;360023']anti-rd ???

He barely posts full sentances - you are posting entire jokes.

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://embed.break.com/OTUzOTY="></param><embed src="http://embed.break.com/OTUzOTY=" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

The joke that I said was made into a video

nice one Rob, repped for that

He barely posts full sentances - you are posting entire jokes.

oh ok gotcha.. everyone likes a good joke every now and again.

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qiL79oxxfIE"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qiL79oxxfIE" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qiL79oxxfIE"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qiL79oxxfIE" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>


repped for adding this one.... i forgot about it

sweet.

World War III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

To men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about giving sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice." The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.



1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

How drunk are you? Official drinking test
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results

For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

this mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender asks him to leave. the mushroom replies ,indignently, "why, I'm a fun guy" (fungi)

This is for all the germ conscious folks
That worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia .

After spending a great evening
Chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

"Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
"Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said,
"I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.
Now don't you fret,
I don't want to hear another word about it!"


Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car"

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!

If you are sitting next to someone who's irritating you on a
>> plane, train, bus
>> >
>> > 1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
>> >
>> > 2. Remove your laptop.
>> >
>> > 3. Boot it up.
>> >
>> > 4. Make sure the person bothering you can see the screen.
>> >
>> > 5. Open the message below.
>> >
>> > 6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
>> >
>> > 7. Then hit this link:
>> http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
>> >
>> > 8. Enjoy
>

this guy wals into a bar in a small southern town and asks the bartender, "where are all the women at?" the batender says " we don’t have any women in this town." the guy asks, "how do you get off then?" The bartender says we do it with animals instead. so a few weeks later the guys comes strolling through the town and says ahh what the heck, and starts giving the screws loose to a pig and while he’s going at it people all around are looking at him funny. so the guy stops and says "what?" "I thought you people had sex with the animals around here?" we do, But no one has sex with the sherrifs wife.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

HOLY SHIEEET!!!BWHAHAHAHAHHAHAH JEEBUS SAVE US!!!!!!

>>David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no
>>black NASCAR drivers:
>>
># 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
>># 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
>># 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
>># 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
>># 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
>># 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
>># 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
>># 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
>># 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run

>>AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
>>NASCAR...
>>#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows that are making all the headlines?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows that are making all the headlines?

yep and they are parallel.

http://ninjashoes.net/forum/imagehosting/31104620199e71c04.bmp

http://ninjashoes.net/forum/imagehosting/3110462019f14f912.bmp

http://ninjashoes.net/forum/imagehosting/311046201a301c4bc.bmp

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him,
" Have you been in the service?"
Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A .M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M. "
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. ,then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says."For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

Baaaahahahahaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha:lol::lol:

Q. Why are niggaz so fast?





A. You would be fast to if you had to dodge a coat hanger for the first 9 months of you life

OMG^^^

Okay, whats the difference between hot women and dead babies?








I do not have sex with the hot women...

OMG^^^

Okay, whats the difference between hot women and dead babies?








I do not have sex with the hot women...

Niiice.Sicker than mine.








Q.Why don't nigger kids play in the sandbox?






A.Cats keep covering them up.

The thing you don't want to hear !!!!

The Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry... "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, ! who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery.

^^^whats this axe??^^^

^^^whats this axe??^^^

it didn't work....I'm working on it, it will be worth it.